Many many years ago God told me I would be wealthy one day. This blog is not a debate about how God speaks to us. You’ll just have to take my word for it that it came out of nowhere and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was Him. I was horribly poor at the time and when I heard it, my head immediately jerked up to look at the sky and I muttered, “Well don’t give it to me now, I can’t be trusted with it.” Despite the fact that I had very little, whenever I did get something extra I spent it on clothes, books, movies…you get the idea. Credit cards were my friend. Money was used to fund my emotional needs and compulsions. In a nutshell, I knew I was not to be trusted with a lot of resources.
Despite my financial dysfunction, I did know that I was only to be a steward of whatever resources God gave me. Saying I would be wealthy was a fallacy of sorts because I knew that as a steward of a lot of money, it would be God’s and not mine. Over the years I have never doubted what I heard and I was never anxious to see the fulfillment of the word because I had so much to learn in that area. It has taken the almost 15 years to learn financial surrender and trust and recently those lessons have been refined by some fire! (The book I’m working on and workshop String of Pearls is planning are both based on these lessons.) Much of our current circumstances are consequences of the years that I didn’t trust God for financial provision. Even though I have not lived on credit for quite awhile now, we are still digging out of the debt hole that came because I wanted what I wanted and didn’t trust God to supply. And truly, the debt is insurmountable in our current circumstances.
Recently I realized that every financial lesson I’m aware of God putting in front of me, I have surrendered to and been faithful to. I do not spend compulsively, I pray about purchases big and small before making them…Seriously, I ask permission before buying ice cream. We don’t trust in debt or use credit cards. If we can’t pay cash we don’t get it. The lessons continue and I’m not perfect by far, but I am surrendered. For the first time since hearing that word from God I have felt that I would be able to be a trustworthy steward. I started looking to God for the fulfillment of His promise to me.
And then Marcel got laid off. We lived on savings for almost 6 months always expecting that any day, God was going to show up with our miracle.
I was reading in Jeremiah 20:7-12 this morning and I feel like him right now. God’s words to me burn in my belly, but right now they look absolutely foolish. When I see my husband’s pain and questions I ache. When I realize that without any debt we would be just fine I struggle with intense shame for the moments when a meal at J. Alexanders was more important than trusting God.
So I will not make that mistake again. This blog series is a defiant proclamation that I will trust even if the heavens fall. I refuse to live a Christian walk that is not sold out in dependence on God’s promises and I demand and expect Him to fulfill them. Even if I limp the rest of my life, I will not let go until God blesses me. So keep reading this series and see how God handles that!
What are the ways you are desperate for God to show up right now?
What blessing is worth wrestling/limping for?